Dear valued HBO Max customer,
The coronavirus pandemic has made it feel much less safe to go to the movies. That’s why we release prestige films at home the same day they hit theaters – films like “The Little Things”, “Judas and the Black Messiah” and of course “Space Jam: A New Legacy”. “
However, we all know that choosing and watching a movie is only a fraction of the theatrical experience. We are therefore delighted to be able to present our new At Home Theater menu to you. With these innovative features, you can restore the feeling of going to the cinema from the comfort of your own home.
Pre-movie trailer advertising (free): Free and mandatory commercials for the latest TNT science fiction dramas will be repeated up to four times before the optional trailers start.
“My child is an alien and his father is the librarian” with Noah Wyle – TNT knows Noah.
Ambient distractions (one dollar each): These sound bits give the impression that you are in a packed theater. This includes:
● A baby is crying.
● A cell phone rings.
● A person who silences a crying baby while their cell phone is ringing.
Movie trailers (ten dollars each or seventy dollars for six): Stay up to date on future releases. In fact, there’s a three and a half percent chance that you haven’t seen all of these trailers online.
Concessions (nineteen dollars each): The same high quality * movie theater food you expected can be delivered to your home shortly before the start of your rental period. We offer a limited selection:
● “Jaws” crusher: hard candy made from real shark teeth.
● Back to the future popcorn: It’s outta time.
● Jurassic Park Soda (64 oz.): Soda made from splicing cola syrup and frog DNA.
* Warning: concessions can look much, much worse.
** They will and they will taste even worse than they look.
Feature-Length Background Tracks ($ 30 each): These bespoke audio tracks are designed to help you figure out what you should feel during a scene. These include laughing (comedies), crying (dramas), or laughing and crying (dramas). It’s been a while since you responded to social cues – we get it.
Conversations Tracks (thirty-five dollars each): These “theater goers” are voiced by local community theater actors to add extra flair to your experience:
● Man who is not sure what is going on.
● Woman explaining the plot.
● The person who points out at every moment that “the book has made better”.
● Couple in a fight over the film that becomes deeply personal.
Laser pointer (forty dollars): The stupidity of strangers is often lacking in watching movies at home. Just open your blinds and face the street with your screen. At some point an unmarked van pulls up and the driver points a laser at your TV – the actors’ bums or their noses. What fun!
* Warning: Continued laser exposure can permanently damage your TV screen and retina. Don’t look into the laser.
Real Time Film (Forty One Dollars): You can’t pause your movie to go to the bathroom or rewind the movie if you haven’t heard a crucial scene about the crunch of your jaws breakers.
Seat-Kicker 5000 (fifty dollars): We’re going to install a random haptic device in your chair to simulate a small child sitting behind you and kicking it. An additional option for throwing back to the future popcorn at you is available as a one dollar add-on.
Long bathroom lines (sixty-four dollars): You’ve just sat through a two-hour movie and drank a refreshing sixty-four ounces of Jurassic Park soda – nature’s calling, but hold onto that thought. They have a whole movie theater full of people who also have to pee to deal with them. We will install smart locks in every bathroom in your home so that after the film is over you will have to wait until the bathroom is no longer “occupied”.
Blinded by the light (eighty-seven dollars and sixty-five cents): The movie is over and the credits have rolled. You leave the theater temporarily blinded as your eyes adjust to the sunlight outside. There is no way to recreate that sensation at home, is there? Not correct. We recently got hold of a cache of military grade lightning grenades. When your movie ends and you get up off your couch, the unmarked van laser pointer person will fling one to three of them through the next window!
* Warning: If you hear glass breaking, be sure to cover your ears. The sensory inability can last anywhere from five to one hundred and eighty minutes. HBO Max is not responsible for cleaning up broken glass or used grenade fragments.
