• February 5, 2023

If Social-Media Apps Were Parties You Were Obligated to Attend

Like annoying parties we have to go to, social media also demands our presence to the detriment of our self-esteem. Here is a guide on how to use it.

Instagram is your favorite friend’s party

There are so many people at this party. Pretty much everyone who is someone. Also many who are nobody.

How to show yourself: Make sure you look your best and bring an aesthetically pleasing bottle of wine. Under no circumstances should you arrive on time.

What to look out for: Be careful – this is a party where you’re likely to be cornered by a thirsty guy, run into an ex, or get into a conversation with someone about their new podcast. When you get out in the fresh air, you will definitely run into people who are “too cool” for Instagram. You will know who they are because that is all they will be talking about.

When to go: Pictures last forever. Get in a couple of them, then scram. It seems like you stayed for a while, but in reality you were back home by 10pm looking at “real housewives” and eating some kind of cheese sandwich.

TikTok is your younger cousin’s party

Oops, you are definitely the oldest person here. You won’t recognize the music because it was remixed by a Russian DJ everyone knows but you.

How to show yourself: Bring vodka. Make sure you are dressed to the nines but at the same time don’t look like you are trying too hard. Impossible? Yes.

What to look out for: Unfortunately, to earn the teenagers respect, you have to drink a few shots. From there, it’s a slippery slope to try to copy their dance moves and fail miserably. Make sure you drink plenty of water.

When to go: Twenty minutes ago. Be with your kind that you don’t have to look up in the Urban Dictionary.

Twitter is your college friend’s gathering

Ah, your smartest friend is holding a “gathering,” that is, twenty pseudo-intellectuals who are revving up and ready to talk about the American political system. Nightmare.

How to show yourself: Bring a snack together and flick through the headlines on your way there. Any pause in conversation gives a man with thick glasses an excuse to explain things to you.

What to look out for: Keep topics of discussion shallow. When someone starts quoting a piece of thinking, excuse themselves for going to the bathroom.

When to go: As soon as you hear any of the following words or phrases – “NPR”, “The Daily”, “The Economy” – start running and never look back!

Facebook is your parents’ annual party

Yes you have to go or you will never hear the end of it. Aunts, uncles, and annoying neighbors galore – after all, all the people you muted on Facebook in one place.

How to show yourself: Extremely early. This is a great way to help your parents set up and collect Brownie Points to redeem when you want to go on bail. Bring something homemade or buy something and wrap it in aluminum foil.

What to look out for: Drunk old people with opinions. Keep all of your answers in one sentence, max. What’s the job? Great, just got promoted. Are you single? Yes, but i’m out. Do you think ______ is the problem with this country? No, but keep this thought, I have to help my father in the kitchen and also scream into a pillow.

When to go: Eat as much fried food as you can get your hands on, stuff something in your purse, and splash.

LinkedIn is your workgroup

You see these people ten hours a week – now do you need to see them in your spare time too? Honestly, you don’t have to go to this party. But if you do, make sure your only cool colleague will be there. Otherwise it’s just you and fifteen girls named Katie.

How to show yourself: Late. Who cares? You are here to take advantage of the free alcohol and snacks. They get this so that you can work overtime.

What to look out for: That one employee who will inevitably attack you. Gross. Glenn is mediocre at his job and he will be mediocre in bed.

When to go: Once you start feeling a little tipsy. This is not the place to let go and be yourself. It will be hellishly uncomfortable seeing these people in the harsh light of Monday when you spend Friday grinding Megan Thee Stallion. Don’t mix dark and clear liquors, mix business and pleasure, and definitely don’t confuse yourself with Glenn.

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Jack

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