WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – An angry Josh Hawley announced Monday that he would try to ditch the results of last weekend’s CPAC straw poll, which showed he was the choice of just three percent of respondents.
He claimed that the way the straw poll was conducted had been “widely betrayed” and called for urgent action to “stop the theft.”
“If CPAC doesn’t immediately cease certification of its straw poll results, people will lose trust in CPAC as one of our nation’s sacred institutions,” said the Missouri Senator.
When asked to provide evidence of Straw Poll fraud, Hawley said, “There was a really cool photo of me pumping my fist in the air that everyone saw. That should be worth well over three percent. “
In response to the Senator’s demands, CPAC did a thorough recount of its straw poll and found that Hawley had actually received two percent.